C A R L B. G A R N E R

HOW TO BE PERFECTLY MISERABLE

There are some decisions in life that are made below our conscious level. We don't sit down, ponder the options and then chart a particular course, but gradually and slowly these choices are made. We have all known people with manifold problems, and good reasons to be irritable and depressed, yet they were pleasant, positive, and determined to make the best of whatever comes. They had made one of those choices ­ perhaps not consciously, but just as certainly ­ they were going to be happy! On the other hand, we may know others with fewer problems, less reason to complain, yet for them nothing is ever quite good enough. They love to talk about their troubles, and they constantly fret or grumble about something or someone. They, too, have made a decision ­ they are going to be miserable! And nothing anyone can do is going to deprive them of their enjoyment of that misery.

As a service to those who have made the latter decision, the decision to be miserable, we offer the following ten guidelines for being miserable and enjoying it:

1. Think and talk about yourself as much as possible. In every conversation, use "I," "me," and "my" as often as possible. Center all your thoughts on your own interests, and whatever you do, don't become interested in or concerned about others. Talk about your troubles to everyone you see. It won't be long before no one will talk (or listen) to you, and then you can really be miserable. (Read Romans 15:1,2.)

2. Measure your happiness by the amount of money or possessions you own. If the first suggestion doesn't sound good to you, then this one will work. Compare what you have (or don't have) with everyone you know. Determine to have more or better than your neighbors, and resolve not to be satisfied until you are successful. Of course, by then your neighbors will have something new, and you can start over. (Read Hebrews 13:5; Luke 12:15.)

3. Be suspicious and jealous of everyone. Don't trust anyone, especially anyone who might be in competition with you. When another person receives an honor, explain to everyone that you could have done better if you had just tried. To be really miserable, you must envy everyone else their success and their happiness. That makes sense, doesn't it? (Read Romans 12:10-16.)

4. Be sensitive, easily offended and impossible to be comforted. Make everyone walk on eggshells around you for fear of offending you. Make it clear to all you know that you won't take anything off anybody. Look for insults in the comments of others, even when none are intended. And then return the insults, humiliating everyone who speaks to you. (Read I Corinthians 13:4-7.)

5. Never forget a criticism or another person's mistakes. If you want to be miserable, you must have a good memory. When someone has criticized you ­ or even if you think they have ­ don't ever forget it or let them forget it. And any time anyone makes a mistake, mark it down and periodically remind them of their blunder. As they say, misery loves company. (Read Philippians 2:2-4; Colossians 3:12-14.)

6. Think the worst about everyone. If a rumor begins about someone else, tell those you see that you suspected it all along. Expect the worst from others and you will usually get it. If possible, reach the worst possible conclusion from seeing the deeds of others. If an action could have been motivated by greed or envy, assume that it is ­ then tell everybody. (Read Mark 2:14-28.)

7. Demand agreement with your opinions. Make sure everyone knows of your opinions, and then show hurt and disappointment when others disagree. Of course, you must make sure everyone knows that your superior wisdom and insight demands acceptance of your conclusions. (Read III John 9-11.)

8. Never forget a good deed you have done. Be proud of your occasional charitable acts, and if people don't know about them ­ tell them. Sulk and pout if others don't go on and on about your goodness and righteousness, while showing the appropriate gratitude. (Read Matthew 6:1-4.)

9. Shirk your duties whenever you can. Let others know that you are too occupied in important things to be responsible for mundane matters such as helping the needy, visiting the sick, or cleaning the church building. If you can't avoid the duties, then put them off till next week or next month.

10. Refuse to forgive or show mercy to anyone. Accept no reasons for failure in others. Make everyone aware of someone else's mistakes, and refuse to accept anything but perfection from your friends (if you have any left) and associates. (Read Ephesians 4:32.)

You might be able to be perfectly miserable without following these guidelines, but if you fall short, that is just one more way of achieving depression, despair, and distress. You've got to make your choice and then work at it. Have a miserable day!